One of the biggest misconceptions in our culture is the belief that other people cause our emotions. The truth is, given the same stimulus, everyone reacts differently. What produces anger in one person, produces laughter in another. So it isn’t accurate to say that a given situation, person, or behaviour “makes” us angry, our anger is created entirely in our own heads. We choose our own emotions, though not consciously. Our interpretations, views, values, and norms cause us to react in certain ways based on what our uniquely conditioned brains think will help us thrive and survive.
Owning the responsibility for our own emotions has many powerful benefits, combatting anti-social behaviours like blaming others for our problems while also creating more space for empathy and connection. One of the unexpected ways that this reframing has impacted my life is that I now realize my habit of finding other humans “annoying” is misguided. Other people aren’t annoying, I create annoyance as a strategy to avoid people who trigger shame, fear, and insecurity in me. I’ve since discovered that if I look beyond the label “annoying” there’s always a real person underneath with all the same complexity, humanity, and lovability as anyone else. Annoying isn’t a good enough reason to discount someone, judge them, or avoid them.
As is often the case, I see dealing with people I consider “annoying” a matter of getting comfortable with discomfort. I try to figure out what it is about them that is so triggering, as it inevitably has everything to do with me and little to do with them. By reframing discomfort as a good thing — something that makes me learn, grow, and become stronger — I’m actually able to enjoy being annoyed and uncomfortable! Now I seek out “annoying” people and when someone bothers me, I know that means I have to spend more time with them, not less. It means I have to try to connect with them, not run away. Annoying isn’t a good enough reason not to be friends with someone!
