Though logically I am completely on board with the growing sentiment that needing to be busy all the time and measuring my worth against my productivity isn’t really healthy, on a deeper level I have clearly been conditioned into it nonetheless. It demonstrates the difference between what I consciously value in my Prefrontal Cortex, and the latent values that are ingrained into me on an unconscious level—my conditioning. And at the end of the day, my conditioning often wins.
One of the big distinctions Brené Brown talks about is between “hustling for worthiness” and “healthy striving”. But I’ve always struggled to figure out how exactly to tell the difference between the two. It took a pandemic for me to finally figure it out! I think.
I view shame as the negative reinforcement towards our core need for belonging. And I think productivity is really just a strategy towards belonging. But belonging is also reinforced positively through pleasant emotions like joy, love, and connection. “Husting for worthiness” is motivated more by the negative reinforcement, shame, whereas “healthy striving” is motivated more by the positive reinforcements.
So when I find myself being motivated by shame, by “should”, “have to”, “need to”, etc, I have an opportunity to get discomfortable with the feeling of shame until it passes (because all emotions are temporary). And on the other side, once my system has returned to neutral equilibrium again, I find a space away from shame to reality check whether I really need to keep grinding away at work. Do I actually need to hustle for more belonging in this moment? Or do I need to meet some of my other needs instead, like rest, relaxation, self-care, and autonomy? Given that belonging is no longer as necessary for my survival as it was when my instincts evolved, probably the latter.
In the space that opens up after I allow my shame to pass, the answer usually becomes clear. That’s when I can get in touch with the positive reinforcement, which is what I really want. So dealing with my desire to be productive is about accepting, feeling, and expressing my shame so that I can move through it to a place where I can see my authentic desires more clearly. And then it’s about trusting that my authentic needs and wants are actually more valid, wise, and healthy than the external, cultural messages of shame ever were.
Productivity
