Getting Discomfortable with Boundaries

When I first encountered the term “boundaries” a few years ago, I had no idea what it meant. Most of the references to “boundaries” in the self-help books I was reading at the time seemed to assume that the reader would already know what they were. Not only that, but it seemed like these boundary things were really important — that they were something I “should” already have. But I didn’t even know what they were!

So it wasn’t surprising that once I started to understand what “boundaries” meant, it became clear that they weren’t something I actively employed in my life.

Brené Brown defines boundaries in her book Rising Strong as, “…simply our lists of what’s okay and what’s not okay.” I think this definition is a bit simplistic, but it’s a good start. I see boundaries as the no-go zones we must consciously enforce to protect our needs and integrity. A good measure of where to draw your boundaries is around anything that will stimulate resentment in you (or other unpleasant feelings, like unwanted pain, shame, trauma, etc). 

To take it even further, I see having boundaries as being aware of and respecting the literal and psychological separation between ourselves and others. So much of what leads to our boundaries being violated, I think, is the illusion that we “have to” allow or engage in something that we don’t really want to. This often stems from the mistaken belief that we are responsible for the feelings and actions of others. As in, “If I don’t do this, I’ll make my boyfriend upset”. Setting strong boundaries is about recognizing and honouring that each person is responsible for their own feelings, actions, and reactions.

This episode looks at what boundaries are, why they are so important, and how best to defend them in a non-shaming way. I also discuss how the principle of boundaries is neatly encapsulated in psychologist Alfred Adler‘s concept of the separation of tasks. And I look at how boundaries might have even more utility when expressed as needs, as demonstrated by Nonviolent Communication.