I took a rare break from podcasting last week to attend my second World Domination Summit in Portland, OR. I’ll do an episode all about that experience in the coming weeks (here it is), but beforehand I finally decided to address a highly uncomfortable subject I’ve been putting off confronting for quite some time: privilege.
I think that privilege is real and that being aware of one’s privilege is useful, but that it’s also an unproductive source of shame and especially shaming. In fact, I think the utility of privilege as a concept is greatly outweighed by its current cultural weaponization. I believe that demystifying shame is essential before one can grapple productively with their privilege.
In my experience, despite having about as much privilege as any openly gay man could hope for, it didn’t actually make me happy until I understood my shame. And this highlights the problem with obsessing over privilege, in my opinion. Because when I look around the world today, I see millions of people with incredible privilege, most of whom appear to be unable to appreciate or enjoy their privileged position. Though privilege is statically tied to material success and even mortality, it in no way equals wellbeing.
To understand this disconnect between privilege and wellbeing, we need to understand shame. Shame is an instinctual reaction that subconsciously equates social rejection with death. As such, shame triggers our threat response, our ancient fight, flight, freeze, or please reactions, even in relation to minor instances of perceived disconnection, scorn, judgement, or disrespect (none of which is actually likely to kill us). And given that these negative social experiences are increasingly common in the internet age of cultural collision and comparison, it is not surprising that most people are chronically unhappy, insecure, and anxious. Most of us are living in our threat response most of the time.
This means we feel we have to dedicate all of our energy and resources to defending and elevating our personal status, because our very worth as human beings seems to be constantly under siege. Subconsciously, we think that if we aren’t constantly working to be seen as valuable, special, or successful, or at very least seen at all, we will not only die, but die rejected, forgotten, unloved, and alone. It’s no wonder that we live in a society where everyone seems to be just looking out for themselves, despite appearing to have all the privilege in the world.
When I started to understand how shame works, I saw that its message of ambition and personal superiority at all costs was misguided and not actually leading to true connection and wellbeing. This allowed me over the last few years to finally learn how to relax and enjoy and appreciate my life. This is when my privilege actually started to feel like privilege! My shame breakthrough created new space and energy for me to start to wonder and worry about other people for a change. Now that I was finally starting to genuinely enjoy my life, I couldn’t help but wonder, how is everyone else doing?
This is why I think shame education is the first piece of the wellbeing puzzle. Only once we work through the dogma of superiority and hierarchy that shame creates can we actually get our shit figured out. And then and only then, once we have our shit figured out, are we in a position to truly care about and help others. In fact, if you skip over the essential shame awareness piece and just start trying to “care” for others, I think there’s a very good chance you will actually just end up engaging in superficial virtue signalling in order to combat shame by being seen as a “good” person.
Here’s the actual quote I botched in the podcast by Marshall Rosenberg:
“If I use Nonviolent Communication to liberate people to be less depressed, to get along better with their family, but do not teach them, at the same time, to use their energy to rapidly transform systems in the world, then I am part of the problem. I am essentially calming people down, making them happier to live in the systems as they are, so I am using NVC as a narcotic.”
