As promised in the last episode, this week I look at the way many of us conflate sex and attraction with connection and belonging. I think this explains why sex can be so addictive, because it appears to meet so many of our basic needs around human connection, but it only does so in a temporary way.
Sex can meet our need for sex, of course, as well as our need for intimacy, pleasure, touch, relaxation, comfort, excitement, connection, belonging, even community to some degree. But sex alone isn’t enough to actually completely satisfy all of those needs in a profound way. It’s kinda like going to the gym to meet your need for running a marathon. It accomplishes something similar, but in a limited way that doesn’t actually add up to the full meal deal. Belonging and community are larger experiences, and while sex can be a healthy and important part of meeting those needs, if it becomes your main or only strategy, it can be a problem.
This episode also looks at the way we conceptualize “addiction” in general, and how that label can be shaming in and of itself. Interestingly though, some people find the label of addiction less shaming, like my friend Katie who I interviewed for the episode on Sobriety. It all comes down the distinction between shame and guilt.
Lastly, this episode explores how shame can actually be a sexual turn on! In the right dosage or with the right distance, shame can be part of what makes sex so “dirty” and “hot”. Shame adds the sense of transgression to sex that either excites us or repels us. Some people get off on leaning into that transgression, while others get off on avoiding it. So figuring out your relationship to sex and shame can be a surprisingly powerful tool for you and your partner(s) to maximize mutual sexual enjoyment.
