One of the ways that I define toxic shame, is that it is an interpretation of the feeling of shame (shame affect) as something global, permanent, and externally referenced. In this episode, I want to explore the permanent aspect of this interpretation because I’ve been experiencing it a lot lately in my own life.
I notice this sense of permanence shows up in (at least) 3 key ways. The first is that toxic shame is often interpreted as “there’s something wrong with me”, and the permanent element convinces us that this supposed flaw is permanent. There’s something wrong with me… and there’s nothing I can do to fix it! This is either the way I am and always have been, or I’ve been broken or sullied or contaminated in some way that cannot be undone, healed, or accepted.
The second aspect shows up in connection with the way that shame is usually triggered by an interpersonal rupture, some kind of perceived disconnection with an important person or group. In this instance, toxic shame is the belief that the relationship is now permanently broken. This form of shame denies the possibility of repair, reconnection, amends, or change.
The third aspect is about the feeling of shame itself. It is the belief that this feeling is permanent. That the pain of shame will be more or less unavoidable in the future. Toxic shame can convince you that this is your life now: suffering without end.
And you can see how these 3 elements feed off of one another and build into a vicious shame triangle. Because I am “permanently flawed”, I will be rejected by everyone I love, permanently. And because I’m going to be alone forever, I’m going to be trapped in this feeling of shame for the rest of my life. You can imagine just how disempowering such a belief would be. If you’re going to be trapped in permanent suffering for the rest of your life, what’s the point in even living?
In order to confront this painful pattern, we need to spot it! If we can notice that we aren’t in shame all the time—that we do in fact have moments of pride, connection, and joy—we can begin to counter this toxic interpretation with hard evidence. As many wisdom traditions have been teaching for centuries, all feelings are temporary. Ironically, the more we expect to “cure” or rid ourselves of shame forever (a permanent solution), the more it feeds this toxic belief. That’s why I offer shame coaching, free discussions, and group classes, so that we can talk about our shame and reinterpret it in healthier ways.
