Lately, I’ve noticed a particularly insidious message hidden in my shame. Not only do I tend to go into shame when I make a mistake (as I’m sure most people do), but my inner critic adds insult to injury by convincing me that on some level, I knew I was going to make that mistake! And the fact that I did it anyway, even though I supposedly knew it wouldn’t work (or knew it would be a disaster, knew it would hurt people, etc) just proves how “selfish, irresponsible, untrustworthy, deceitful, and evil” I supposedly am. This fuels a particularly painful and demotivating kind of shame spiral. In this episode, I explore how this toxic phenomenon comes to be.
Like most toxic forms of shame, these patterns usually form in early childhood. As children, we are helpless little sponges that automatically soak up everything we are exposed to, including language, cultural norms, emotional patterns, etc. And because we are social beings, we are born with the expectation and need to connect with the adults in power over us. This connection comes in the form of their warm attention, emotional attunement, care, support, and love. Whenever that connection is broken, we naturally go into a shame reaction. Because childhood is inherently an egocentric phase of development, as children we implicitly interpret these painful interpersonal ruptures as “my fault”.
But ruptures are unavoidable, and what’s more, they are arguably useful! When the caregiver notices the rupture and repairs it, taking full responsibility for the break in connection and reestablishing warm attunement with the child, it can serve as a valuable and necessary learning experience that actually deepens and strengthens the bond between them.
But if the adult doesn’t actively repair the connection, then the child will be forced to attempt to make the repair themselves in order to reestablish a sense of safety. In this scenario, not only will the child continue to blame itself for the rupture, but the implicit message to the child will be, “You need to change in order to be fully loved and accepted by the important people in your life (who you need to survive)”. If this happens often enough, the child’s brain and nervous system will wire themselves around the belief that there’s something wrong with the child, that there’s something about it that hurts people and pushes them away.
We carry these disempowering beliefs into adulthood and they colour the way we see ourselves and the world. For example, my toxic shame is always telling me that I’m going to hurt people somehow and that I’m likely to fail at whatever I do. So no matter what I try, even with the best planning and intentions, if I make any mistakes, if anything goes wrong (even out of my control), or if anyone is inadvertently impacted in a negative way, my shame can always say, “See, I told you so!” And it gets even worse than that, because if my inner critic can convince me that I “knew” it was going to happen, then it can further shame me for being “reckless”, “irresponsible”, and “wantonly hurtful”. It’s an unfair and overwhelming shame spiral that makes you never want to try, take a risk, or put yourself out there ever again…
But if we can spot the pattern, we can break the cycle! To that end, I have put together a 4-week online cohort course starting on August 8th that aims to illuminate how these patterns form and manifest in our lives so that we can notice them, challenge them, and begin to heal them.
One comment on “Getting Discomfortable with Rupture”